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Friday, 13 June 2008

Xanga for the new age

You know why I liked Xanga? I had decided to make it a place where I was honest about myself; a place where I would write what I was doing and how I really felt about it...

You know why I stopped writing? I realized people were reading it. There are some people who I was fine with and there were others who their very presence in my cyber-space changed the setting of the stage from which I performed. I was no longer comfortable being open and I stopped writing. I even went back and edited some of my previous entries knowing they could be seen by anyone.

It was not the anyones, the random people our there who might stumble upon it, that I cared if they saw it. It was the someones, the people I have my own perception of how they interpret what I would write and how they would talk about it with others.

So I stopped. I was sad that I felt I had to stop. I stopped because I felt it made it too hard to orchestrat my life. It was too hard to write my feelings as far as I understand them, and know that people I know would read them and come to their own conclusions and judgments. Judgments is the key word there. I wouldn't have the abilityt o defend myself, explain myself or 'set them right'. So I stopped.

I have toyed with the idea of making a blog-type space somewhere where I would speak totally honestly about myself under a pseudonym and I would never ever tell anyone I know about it. As far as you know, it already exists.
Even though no one reads this or will see this, most likely, I still refrain from writing anything terrible personal. For me, there is too much at stake.

Saturday, 03 December 2005

heres yer update...
-im engaged
-im about to start balancing four jobs (foley's, marriot, mac grill, english tutor)
-i just got back from NYC and seeing clay
-clay and i bought skate boards thus fufilling one of my lifes goals
-my lower back injury from snowboarding has been keeping me off said skateboard
-i have a cold, but its not bad at all
-i bought a brown pin-stripe suit for to get married in
-i bought new brown shoes to go with said suit
-and three pairs of brown socks
-ive almost finished my applications to georgetown and univ of colorado... among others
-christmas is already upon us and all i want are my two front teeth

how'd i do? what else would you like to know? im on the phone so this is harder than it looks..... smile.

Saturday, 03 September 2005

mega long break in there. so much has happened that i've decided to give up on the update style blog entry and just go for the occasional story.... not that i have a story to share right now. im sitting bored at home waiting for a car i can either take or be taken in. i would like to go buy a decent pair of jeans i can wear next week in LA. im not excited nor extremly trepidatious about this trip... no wait, im both. i just found out that this guy im going to be translating for is the exhusband of the woman who asked me if i could do the job. how do i get myself into these things. im good friends with his son who was out at BYUH with me. hmmm, how do you say "awkward" in japanese? anyway, i'll live. its $2000 that i need to get my grassy gear over to hawaii. i got my first pay check, under the table, from hooks. $330 for four hours a week for like 4 weeks. not too bad. thats almost the same as 20somthin hours a week for a month at the PCC. yes, i wasnt exactly living the high life like im sure most imagined i was in hawaii. still, the beach was free and it was all you handle access, so what do i have to really complain about? my laptop has suddenly decided not to see my cd/dvd drive... this could be a problem.
ive had an interesting experience recently with taking care of emily and clark's two girls while they went off to have thier third, Mia. ive felt like a teenage girl who decided to act grown up, have sex, got pregnant and was suddenly feeling the stress and change of being thrown into parenthood... why would i say a girl and not a teenage guy? because teen age guys never stick around long enough to experience parent-anything.... anyway, im glad that the marriage license doesnt come with two little girls, is all im sayin.

Saturday, 09 July 2005

wow, its been awihle (stress on the WH)... so what do you wanna know? its hard to know who im writting this to. or am i writing purely for myself. well, that would be a lie because im obviously writting for those who read otherwise i wouldnt have told ya'll about it.... and now for somthing completely different.

so im back in houston now and.... well, its hot. which is to say im sure its deathly hot outside, but im not too sure. you see im being slowly preserved by the effects of over air coning the house.... really, all day i complain about how cold i am. the irony.

so it was extremely hard to leave hawaii. packing all of my crap was a pain in a dark place. it was good to finally get out of the house though. johnathan had become a plauge even to the friends still dwelling in his pocket. even though he wasnt living there he still managed to alienate every single person there. i went to the beach every day my last two weeks or so. who knows when ill be back.... speaking of that, maybe i do know.

lets try to put this as simply, shortly and concisely as possible. i missed sho but wasnt dieing without her... most of the time. i was very lonely but felt ok. then i started emailing her again and i realized how honery and unhappy i had been acting since she had left. i am so much more a happy person when she is in my life. just ask the people i live with. so i started thinking, she is fantastic... in fact i love her... she is the exact kind of woman i would like to marry... why didnt i marry her? obviously i didnt feel right about it and we, er, actually I, was always saying 'maybe its just the timing, i dont know but i just cant make that decision' or somthing like the same... then nolan came and we talked about marriage a bit and i started thinking how great a life with sho would be. how we could both go after all our goals and dreams together because they are so similar... then one night, driving with mo and dad and nol back to Laie from dinner in Haleiwa (AMAZING fried coconut shrimp!!!!! i had them twice that week) dad was talking, mostly with nol in mind about the kind of woman he decided to marry; why and how. everything he saide made me think of sho and how wonderful she is... long story short, sho and i may be getting married in Dec in Hawaii. as of right now, i am planning on dropping by hawaii on my way to japan to see her, talk and perhaps propose. we are prety much planning on it even though it is not official yet. we are smart enough to at least wait til we are in person. i mean, theres a tiny chance that we might see each other and realize, you know i think we were just lonley and this just isnt good or right... but i love her. we were the best couple i have ever known and everyone who did know us as US, has been baffled as to why we never got married... so thats the long and the short of it... questions?

oh, i dont have a job here but im looking and still dont have anything solid in japan yet either...

Tuesday, 21 June 2005

holy crizzap i just had an experience of a lifetime!! nol is here to help me ease into the life of a graduate, and we just got back from skydiving on the north shore. they have you sign this waver that says "YOU MAY BE INJURED OR KILLED!!!" which just hightens the thrill of the exerience. then they strap you into a harness and say, "when we jump, arch your back... got it? lets go". so nol and i hop into this tiny puddle-jumper of a plane which we barely fit into, nols foot was dingling out the whole time, and it had no door at all. the plane ride before the jump was amazing. an arial view of the north shore. the water is so clear that even from 5ooo feet up you can spot large tutles and see the details of the coral and rocks. very cool. so nol and i were liker sitting on the laps of these two dudes and were strapped to their chests. nol went first. because your strapped in front, when the guy sits on the edge of the plane, your already out, just danglin in the wind. they yell and rock "ready set GO!" and youre out. it was a very cool feeling to watch nolan fall, no, jump out of an airplane. then i was dangled out and i heard a "ready? GO!!". the first 20 seconds or so is free fall, and i can not begin to explain the rush. it was the best feeling. no fear, no nervousness or panicing, just pure exhilaration. it was amazing. then he pulls the chute and your entire weight, plus some, is forced onto the straps between your legs... ouch. then the ride down. i cant explain. it was just an unbeleivably cool experience. he even let me steer the chute for a bit. when you hit the ground, its kind of a let down. you totally come off the high, and youre left thinkin, "wasnt i just flying in a plane?.... did that really happen?" they hand you a cheesy certifiacte and say thanks and send you to drive home and try to put into words that feeling. very cool. worth every penny. nol and i took pics but they are all from the ground. a video will have to be made.... ah, i can now mark that off my list of things to do before i die.